Being in a ‘couple’ is great. Horror movies, fancy dinners, Valentine’s Day…couple’s skate. Sex. I get it. You get to share wonderful experiences with someone whom you (hopefully) really care for (more on that later), and of course the pleasure derived from said experiences is only enhanced because they are shared. This all sounds great in theory, this whole ‘reasons I like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend’, but from what I have seen amongst close friends and associates is more of an assumption of need than of want. There’s as much of a necessity to be in a couple as there is an aversion to spending time with themselves. This is a very serious disease, and I call it Couplitis; defined by the inability to function without being in a relationship.
People who are suffering from Couplitis have lost the ability to perform simple, every day tasks alone—or, more specific, without their partner. Grocery shopping, visiting with friends, hitting the gym, lunch with Mom…all of these things MUST be done together when suffering from Couplitis. There’s often a very easy way to check if you’re suspicious someone close to you may be suffering from this disease—simply ask them to ‘hang out’ the following weekend and listen carefully: if they say something along the lines of “sure, let’s plan something!” then they are Couplitis-free. But, if you hear something similar to “oooh, ok, let me see what (insert name here) wants to do this weekend and if (he/she) doesn’t want do anything then ok! You’re on!” then you can be sure this person has an acute case of Couplitis. Another obvious symptom is the sufferer will often be partnered with someone they don’t even like, are extremely jealous and insecure about, and fight with constantly. While to the outsider this might seem absurd, to the diseased person who is desperately trying to hold onto his or her relationship, this is simply irrelevant. Remember, it is absolutely vital they be in a couple. It often times does not matter with whom.
I know what you’re thinking, “how can I prevent myself from catching it? Is there a vaccine?” Yes and yes. And it’s simple. Ready? Here goes…..You only have to truly know, like, and respect yourself. That’s it. That is all it takes to prevent yourself from falling victim to this terrible affliction robbing helpless, innocent men and women of their individuality and free will. Easier said than done, I know, so here are a few things to consider on the path to accepting and liking yourself enough as an individual to prevent Couplitis from sneaking up on you:
* It is always better to be alone than in bad company
* Take time to get to know you first. Spend enough time with you so that you get a good feel for what you truly like.
* Remember alone does not equal lonely.
* Leeches are gross and they suck the life out of their hosts. Don’t be a leech and for goodness sake don’t let them live off of you.
* It’s ok not to cuddle. Sometimes, breathing is good.
* Do things that make you happy. Continue to do those things. All by yourself.
* Leashes are for dogs.
When you have a firm grasp of the rules above, practice them religiously, and uphold them no-matter-what, then you may be ready to put yourself ‘out there’ or ‘on the market’ for a life partner, ‘good friend’, or someone with whom you will ‘make it official’ by confirming your ‘status’ on Facebook. Good for you. But be aware, there is a fine line between healthy relationship and Couplitis; if you’re not careful you’ll soon be dissing all of your friends to hang with theirs, and having a couple’s Facebook page before you know it.
-PD 2010
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