Ten Commandments (or Rules or Tips or No-Nos ) for Men Regarding Photos for
Online Dating Sites so as to NOT Look Like a Douchebag
(Now I’ll try to make the content longer than the title.)
(…and that sentence combined….)
(That one too.)
1. Thou shall NOT have only photos of thyself wearing sunglasses AND if thou have a photo of thyself wearing sunglasses it shall NOT be the default or main photo
2. Thou shall NOT post shirtless photos UNLESS thou are surrounded or near a body of water in said photo
3. Thou shall have at least ONE photo of thyself smiling
4. Thou shall NOT pucker lips in any photo…ever
5. Thou shall NOT post photos of thyself taken in a restroom mirror (or any other mirror) with a camera phone
6. Thou shall NOT post photos of thyself at bars and clubs only
7. If thou hast a ‘chin strap beard’ thou shall shave it immediately prior to taking and posting photo
8. Thou must NOT post photos of thine pets or adorable children in hopes of scoring more easily
9. Thou shall NOT post a photo of thine car
10. Thou shall NOT post self portraits taken with phone while driving or sitting in car....especially not side view/profile photos
I have spoken.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Ten Ways to Drop the Ball on the First Date
Ten Ways to Drop the Ball on the First Date
1. Show up late. Late is late. Plans at 7:00? Show up at 7:03? Late.
2. Not having a plan. No woman wants to be driven around aimlessly while figuring out where only she wants to go. We don’t want to think about that on the first date--we want to be witty, look pretty, and possibly enjoy your company.
3. Immature pick up lines. You’re already in, no need to say things like ‘nice view’ as she walks up the stairs….
4. Being cheap. Don’t order the chicken when we know you rather have the steak. If you couldn’t afford two nice meals you should have just sent us out on our own with a gift certificate.
5. Not tipping at least 20%- unless the service was horrible. No woman wants to sneak an extra five out of her purse when you aren’t looking. Also, being rude to wait staff or any other customer service people is a definite deal breaker.
6. Even mentioning ‘maybe’ meeting up with your friends. If you can’t stay away from your buds for one night to spend some quality time with a female then maybe you should consider dating one of them instead.
7. Expecting sex and then getting indignant when she turns you down. Also ties in with the hand-on-the-knee-slowly-inching-up-her-thigh-like-she-isn’t-going-to-notice-move from middle school. Don’t do that unless you’ve built up an immunity to bear mace or stilettos to the balls.
8. Bad mouthing the Ex. Hearing about your past is great, but being bitter about an Ex leaves us to believe you either aren’t over her, or are a potential wife beater. If you have nothing nice to say….
9. Not taking an interest in her interests and continuing to drone on and on about things like what a catch you are and how many women you’ve been fighting off now that you’ve finally ‘made it’ and become sous-chef at the local ‘hey, what used to be there?’ restaurant.
10. Bad hygiene or too-good hygiene. The margin for error is huge between you showing up looking like an unbathed Grizzly Adams or a freshly waxed Pauly D. Get it right before ringing that bell…
-patricia dees 2010
1. Show up late. Late is late. Plans at 7:00? Show up at 7:03? Late.
2. Not having a plan. No woman wants to be driven around aimlessly while figuring out where only she wants to go. We don’t want to think about that on the first date--we want to be witty, look pretty, and possibly enjoy your company.
3. Immature pick up lines. You’re already in, no need to say things like ‘nice view’ as she walks up the stairs….
4. Being cheap. Don’t order the chicken when we know you rather have the steak. If you couldn’t afford two nice meals you should have just sent us out on our own with a gift certificate.
5. Not tipping at least 20%- unless the service was horrible. No woman wants to sneak an extra five out of her purse when you aren’t looking. Also, being rude to wait staff or any other customer service people is a definite deal breaker.
6. Even mentioning ‘maybe’ meeting up with your friends. If you can’t stay away from your buds for one night to spend some quality time with a female then maybe you should consider dating one of them instead.
7. Expecting sex and then getting indignant when she turns you down. Also ties in with the hand-on-the-knee-slowly-inching-up-her-thigh-like-she-isn’t-going-to-notice-move from middle school. Don’t do that unless you’ve built up an immunity to bear mace or stilettos to the balls.
8. Bad mouthing the Ex. Hearing about your past is great, but being bitter about an Ex leaves us to believe you either aren’t over her, or are a potential wife beater. If you have nothing nice to say….
9. Not taking an interest in her interests and continuing to drone on and on about things like what a catch you are and how many women you’ve been fighting off now that you’ve finally ‘made it’ and become sous-chef at the local ‘hey, what used to be there?’ restaurant.
10. Bad hygiene or too-good hygiene. The margin for error is huge between you showing up looking like an unbathed Grizzly Adams or a freshly waxed Pauly D. Get it right before ringing that bell…
-patricia dees 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Couplitis or 'Why I Don't Like to Cuddle'
Being in a ‘couple’ is great. Horror movies, fancy dinners, Valentine’s Day…couple’s skate. Sex. I get it. You get to share wonderful experiences with someone whom you (hopefully) really care for (more on that later), and of course the pleasure derived from said experiences is only enhanced because they are shared. This all sounds great in theory, this whole ‘reasons I like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend’, but from what I have seen amongst close friends and associates is more of an assumption of need than of want. There’s as much of a necessity to be in a couple as there is an aversion to spending time with themselves. This is a very serious disease, and I call it Couplitis; defined by the inability to function without being in a relationship.
People who are suffering from Couplitis have lost the ability to perform simple, every day tasks alone—or, more specific, without their partner. Grocery shopping, visiting with friends, hitting the gym, lunch with Mom…all of these things MUST be done together when suffering from Couplitis. There’s often a very easy way to check if you’re suspicious someone close to you may be suffering from this disease—simply ask them to ‘hang out’ the following weekend and listen carefully: if they say something along the lines of “sure, let’s plan something!” then they are Couplitis-free. But, if you hear something similar to “oooh, ok, let me see what (insert name here) wants to do this weekend and if (he/she) doesn’t want do anything then ok! You’re on!” then you can be sure this person has an acute case of Couplitis. Another obvious symptom is the sufferer will often be partnered with someone they don’t even like, are extremely jealous and insecure about, and fight with constantly. While to the outsider this might seem absurd, to the diseased person who is desperately trying to hold onto his or her relationship, this is simply irrelevant. Remember, it is absolutely vital they be in a couple. It often times does not matter with whom.
I know what you’re thinking, “how can I prevent myself from catching it? Is there a vaccine?” Yes and yes. And it’s simple. Ready? Here goes…..You only have to truly know, like, and respect yourself. That’s it. That is all it takes to prevent yourself from falling victim to this terrible affliction robbing helpless, innocent men and women of their individuality and free will. Easier said than done, I know, so here are a few things to consider on the path to accepting and liking yourself enough as an individual to prevent Couplitis from sneaking up on you:
* It is always better to be alone than in bad company
* Take time to get to know you first. Spend enough time with you so that you get a good feel for what you truly like.
* Remember alone does not equal lonely.
* Leeches are gross and they suck the life out of their hosts. Don’t be a leech and for goodness sake don’t let them live off of you.
* It’s ok not to cuddle. Sometimes, breathing is good.
* Do things that make you happy. Continue to do those things. All by yourself.
* Leashes are for dogs.
When you have a firm grasp of the rules above, practice them religiously, and uphold them no-matter-what, then you may be ready to put yourself ‘out there’ or ‘on the market’ for a life partner, ‘good friend’, or someone with whom you will ‘make it official’ by confirming your ‘status’ on Facebook. Good for you. But be aware, there is a fine line between healthy relationship and Couplitis; if you’re not careful you’ll soon be dissing all of your friends to hang with theirs, and having a couple’s Facebook page before you know it.
-PD 2010
People who are suffering from Couplitis have lost the ability to perform simple, every day tasks alone—or, more specific, without their partner. Grocery shopping, visiting with friends, hitting the gym, lunch with Mom…all of these things MUST be done together when suffering from Couplitis. There’s often a very easy way to check if you’re suspicious someone close to you may be suffering from this disease—simply ask them to ‘hang out’ the following weekend and listen carefully: if they say something along the lines of “sure, let’s plan something!” then they are Couplitis-free. But, if you hear something similar to “oooh, ok, let me see what (insert name here) wants to do this weekend and if (he/she) doesn’t want do anything then ok! You’re on!” then you can be sure this person has an acute case of Couplitis. Another obvious symptom is the sufferer will often be partnered with someone they don’t even like, are extremely jealous and insecure about, and fight with constantly. While to the outsider this might seem absurd, to the diseased person who is desperately trying to hold onto his or her relationship, this is simply irrelevant. Remember, it is absolutely vital they be in a couple. It often times does not matter with whom.
I know what you’re thinking, “how can I prevent myself from catching it? Is there a vaccine?” Yes and yes. And it’s simple. Ready? Here goes…..You only have to truly know, like, and respect yourself. That’s it. That is all it takes to prevent yourself from falling victim to this terrible affliction robbing helpless, innocent men and women of their individuality and free will. Easier said than done, I know, so here are a few things to consider on the path to accepting and liking yourself enough as an individual to prevent Couplitis from sneaking up on you:
* It is always better to be alone than in bad company
* Take time to get to know you first. Spend enough time with you so that you get a good feel for what you truly like.
* Remember alone does not equal lonely.
* Leeches are gross and they suck the life out of their hosts. Don’t be a leech and for goodness sake don’t let them live off of you.
* It’s ok not to cuddle. Sometimes, breathing is good.
* Do things that make you happy. Continue to do those things. All by yourself.
* Leashes are for dogs.
When you have a firm grasp of the rules above, practice them religiously, and uphold them no-matter-what, then you may be ready to put yourself ‘out there’ or ‘on the market’ for a life partner, ‘good friend’, or someone with whom you will ‘make it official’ by confirming your ‘status’ on Facebook. Good for you. But be aware, there is a fine line between healthy relationship and Couplitis; if you’re not careful you’ll soon be dissing all of your friends to hang with theirs, and having a couple’s Facebook page before you know it.
-PD 2010
Video May Have Killed the Radio Star, but Texting killed the Relationship.
What happened to a good, old fashioned, run of the mill telephone call to ask how our day went? Since when did relationship communication get condensed into nothing more than a series of back and forth texts every day. Or every other day for that matter.
I’m thinking of getting rid of the text feature on my phone.
Ok, ok, but all kidding aside, if we do nothing but text every friend, family member, or romantic interest in our lives, what differentiates each relationship from another? How is one text more pleasurable, easy going, and ‘fun to be around’ than the next? Has anyone ever fallen in love with someone’s texts? “Oh, you should see the way Dave puts the big smilies after he texts me ‘Good Morning’ every other morning..or when he remembers…I think he may be the one!” No. You never hear that. At least, I hope we haven’t reached that point. The point where we’ll take any form of affection and communication over none at all. And surely, we’ve all misread the tone or message of texts—sometimes getting upset over nothing or taking things ‘the wrong way.’ I’ve been in plenty of text messaging arguments (if you can call them that) over misinterpreted messages…but instead of makeup sex, you get the makeup smiley face. Wow, you just can’t beat that….
I had a texting boyfriend once. It started through Facebook messaging, continued through text, and ended by email. How’s that for a twenty-first century relationship! Of course, we did see each other in person about 3 times that month….
My point is, how can we possibly get to truly value one person’s companionship over another when everyone is nothing more than Arial Bold-Size 10? How do we suppose we ‘hit it off’ with someone we don’t make an effort to talk to or see… Do we just not want to? Are we too busy to be bothered with all that ‘getting to know you’ nonsense? And, at what point does texting signify ‘talking?’ You know, that ‘about to date’ period just before sex and right after coffee?
And no, the texting/relationship curse doesn’t discriminate between young and old, tech savvy and incompetent—no, even older generations are giving up on the ol’ phone call and giving in to the easy way out. They may not be able to program their DVR but by golly they can text their heart out. I know a man who's 80 and texts-and, not still texting, he just started!
The bottom line is this—if you are interested in someone, and in a completely different way than your mother or your best friend (both of which I assume you already know pretty well) then pick up the phone, dial his or her number, and call….
Don’t agree? Fine. Just send me a message…
I have unlimited texts.
-PD 2009
I’m thinking of getting rid of the text feature on my phone.
Ok, ok, but all kidding aside, if we do nothing but text every friend, family member, or romantic interest in our lives, what differentiates each relationship from another? How is one text more pleasurable, easy going, and ‘fun to be around’ than the next? Has anyone ever fallen in love with someone’s texts? “Oh, you should see the way Dave puts the big smilies after he texts me ‘Good Morning’ every other morning..or when he remembers…I think he may be the one!” No. You never hear that. At least, I hope we haven’t reached that point. The point where we’ll take any form of affection and communication over none at all. And surely, we’ve all misread the tone or message of texts—sometimes getting upset over nothing or taking things ‘the wrong way.’ I’ve been in plenty of text messaging arguments (if you can call them that) over misinterpreted messages…but instead of makeup sex, you get the makeup smiley face. Wow, you just can’t beat that….
I had a texting boyfriend once. It started through Facebook messaging, continued through text, and ended by email. How’s that for a twenty-first century relationship! Of course, we did see each other in person about 3 times that month….
My point is, how can we possibly get to truly value one person’s companionship over another when everyone is nothing more than Arial Bold-Size 10? How do we suppose we ‘hit it off’ with someone we don’t make an effort to talk to or see… Do we just not want to? Are we too busy to be bothered with all that ‘getting to know you’ nonsense? And, at what point does texting signify ‘talking?’ You know, that ‘about to date’ period just before sex and right after coffee?
And no, the texting/relationship curse doesn’t discriminate between young and old, tech savvy and incompetent—no, even older generations are giving up on the ol’ phone call and giving in to the easy way out. They may not be able to program their DVR but by golly they can text their heart out. I know a man who's 80 and texts-and, not still texting, he just started!
The bottom line is this—if you are interested in someone, and in a completely different way than your mother or your best friend (both of which I assume you already know pretty well) then pick up the phone, dial his or her number, and call….
Don’t agree? Fine. Just send me a message…
I have unlimited texts.
-PD 2009
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